


By The Lake

by pomegranateboy



Series: The Blue Jay and The Bunny [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, Hurt Bucky Barnes, M/M, Panic Attacks, Regret, Tony is only mentioned, Vomiting, like very violent panic attacks, read the previous fic to understand, yeah its that bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 16:34:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19749550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pomegranateboy/pseuds/pomegranateboy
Summary: James had found himself standing by the edge of a lake, with little memory of how he got there.set between chapters 9 and 10 of the previous work in this collection. you should read to understand.





	By The Lake

**Author's Note:**

> the missing scene of bucky after he ran away

The Asset- no, that's not right, Bucky? Blue Jay? James? James. James had found himself standing by the edge of a lake, with little memory of how he got there. He remembered running from the tower, leaving Anthony behind, flatlining in an operating room. He remembered exiting through the same secret door he had come through when this all began.

Other than that? He couldn't remember anything. It was all a dull haze, like someone had put a bag over his head and sedated him, waking him up by the edge of what must have been a manmade lake. A quick glance around him informed him as to where he was. Howard Stark's New Jersey estate. The large mansion brought back unwelcome memories of the first time that he had abandoned his Bunny.

He looked back at the lake. The sky above him was grey and cloudy, and there was a chill in the air. The water looked inky black, it’s reflective surface made it look picturesque, maybe even peaceful.

It was not peaceful to James. He felt familiar panic bubble in his chest, hot and tight, choking him up. He felt like throwing up, like crying, like screaming and begging  _ why, why him? _

He didn't realize that he was actually screaming until the haunting noise came echoing back at him.

Off in the distance he could see birds flying away, spooked by the noise, he saw rustling in the forest that came from restless animals, bustling life from all around him.

He screamed again, something violent and pained. He could feel his vocal cords protesting, they felt like they were ripping to shreds; he didn't stop. It had been 30 terrible years since he had last seen Anthony at this house, and within seconds of meeting each other again,  _ he lost him _ .

He screamed for all that he had, all that he had lost, for the unfairness of the world, for what he had been forced to do under the control of Hydra. He screamed for Anthony, for his Bunny, for what his life could have been had his father had been a different man, and for how cruel the universe must be to torture him at every turn in his life.

Pebbles trickled down his throat and into his gut. Rocks caught in his airway, choking him, making it so he couldn't breath. A boulder of guilt sat heavy in his chest, crushing his ribcage.

The bubbling guilt finally spilled over and James collapsed, leaning forward to empty the contents of his stomach. The sound of the gunshot that had hit Anthony replayed in his head over and over, then the sound somehow morphed into a loud ringing, which became the only thing he could hear.

He didn't know how long he sat out there, screaming until his lungs burned and his throat ached, dry heaving until he couldn't empty anything else out, silent tears running down his face the entire time. He didn't know how long it took him to enter the estate.

He entered through the front door, which was surprisingly unlocked. Though maybe not surprising, as there was a pretty high chance that Bunny had integrated JARVIS into the home if he had the same sorrowful attachment to the building that James did.

James’ feet led him to the same bottom floor hallway where he saw Anthony and Nicholas Fury meeting for the first time. Every event from that day was seared into his memory like a painful brand. Every movement he made, every pause he took, every single detail was unforgettable.

He sat down against the wall, facing the door to Anthony's old room head on. He couldn't go in now, he wasn't strong enough. He hated how weak he felt right now; he had never felt like this before. As the Asset, he wasn't allowed to have any emotions, much less ones of self-doubt. As Bucky, he was usually confident and headstrong, and when he wasn't, he could rely on Steve to pick him back up.

He- James, Blue Jay, whatever- he was not any of those things. He wasn't an emotionless weapon, he wasn't a confident soldier under Captain America, he wasn't even just a kid from Brooklyn anymore.

He was a man who was scarred and worn down, who was terrified, who loved and loved and loved so deeply, and who lost again and again. He hated himself for leaving, but couldn't live to see the one person he cared more about than anything die. Going back would mean accepting a huge change. If that meant Bunny dying or finally getting to be together, he didn't know.

He heard the front door open and he didn't even move into a defensive position. His eyes didn't move from the door in front of him, even as he heard heeled footsteps approaching his position.

Either the end or the beginning was approaching and he didn't move a muscle.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are highly appreciated!!!
> 
> I also have a tumblr, it's [pomegranate-boy](https://pomegranate-boy.tumblr.com/)


End file.
